Archive for June, 2010

June 25, 2010

Crowding the Blog-o-sphere


Welcome to the Internet

As if the interwebs isn’t filled with enough trolls and douchebags, this guy just started up his own blog.

Cory is actually a good friend of mine and I’ve known him since the first Pokemon games came out. ANCIENT HISTORY HUH? There was a time where we hung outside, ran around and used our imaginations thinking that we were the newest Power Rangers or Ninja Turtles or something.

Then the internet happened.

Now he listens to metal, kicks my ass in Call of Duty Company of Heroes and blogs about not having money. He’s a realist, an agnostic (the real kind), and an anarchist. He says so in his first post.

My hope is that one day I get yelled at by a Bill O’Reilly or Glenn Back type person about hanging out with him, because becoming an anarchist is a lot like catching the flu.

Seriously though, go give the blog a look. His jokes are funnier than mine.

I guess I should whore Chris out while I’m at it, but that asshole gets 10 times more hits than I do.

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June 23, 2010

Top 10 Things to do in Royal Oak


I hear people like the list thing on the blog-o-spheres, so why not? Summer’s here and that means it’s safe to walk around outside for extended periods of time. Since I live a stone’s throw from downtown Royal Oak, I like to spend my time there. It’s like living in a city without actually having to live in a city. But anyway, since I don’t have tons of cash, and I hate spending time in bars, it’s a bit harder to enjoy myself in such a place. I have my ways, and I’m going to share them with you now.

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June 7, 2010

Jokes I’ve Played on Students 02


Oh yes, I did.

This one was is especially terrible.

It was a middle school, I was having a great day with some really good students. They actually worked silently when I asked! There wasn’t much for me to do, and I quickly became bored.

Then there was a phone call from the office. So-and-So’s mother was there to pick them up for their dentist appointment.

Suddenly my bordem vanished: I had an idea. Being a substitute I’ve kinda learned how to change my personality type on demand. (At least while I’m working). I have no problem switching from normal nice-guy to super-cereal authority figure. Here, I quickly adapted a somber expression and called the student up to the desk. I looked at him with a pitiful expression, the kind that adults gave us when they told us that the World Trade Centers had fallen. Tears may have been forming in the corner of my eyes.

“John,” I said, making it hard for the words to come out, “it seems there’s been an accident…”

Heads snapped in his direction. The kid’s face went white and he may have stopped breathing for just a moment. His eyes looked on the verge of tears and he waited in painful anticipation of the details. What happened? Who did it happen to?

“Actually,” I said, “your mom’s in the office waiting to take you to the dentist. Take your stuff and get out of here!”

Laughter and relief. Apparently the kid had completely forgotten about the appointment.

I’m pretty sure he gave his mom a hug when he saw her.

See? Mean jokes have good side effects.

June 3, 2010

Why we should understand if a teacher at a run-down school has a drinking problem


There are times I wish I had a destructive habit like smoking or alcoholism. Not to relieve stress but purely for aesthetic purposes. Honestly, since graduating I barely have one alcoholic drink a month. I will not actively go out to get said habits since that’s…well… dumb (dumber than most of my posts even), especially since alcoholism actually runs in my family.

Every time I look at a glass of vodka or whiskey I can hear my late Dziadek yelling violently somewhere in the background. However, the only way to shut him up is to drink it.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Sometimes hangovers can be fun, fun in the “god I feel like shit but at the same time I feel awesome cause I’m a goddamn ROCKSTAR” kinda way. You carry this stupid grin on your face the entire time because the pain isn’t so bad as to render you immobile so much as it numbs everything else. You also tend to walk around like Johnny Depp in the Pirates movies. Feels good man.

There were a few times I went to schools and came home realizing that if I did work there on a normal basis, I would become said alcoholic. But good sir! you say, Teachers must be the model citizen for students to embody!

Okay, it wasn't this bad but you get the idea.

Here’s the thing.

1. I’m not really a teacher in the truest sense… yet.

2. I don’t actually have a second point since that logic is pretty good. But I’m going to ignore it for the remainder of this post because I think it was a humorous train of thought.

3. Oh! Does leading by negative example count?

Anyway, one day I accepted a job for a school whose district I had yet to go to. I checked out the school and saw that it was close to 8-mile. I shrugged it off at first, after all it wasn’t actually in Detroit. The school actually looked nice from the outside, they were even building a new fancy wing of the school alongside the mile road. Yet when I walked inside I noticed metal detectors, first big tip. The classes were bare, with these tiny TVs that I think are older than my parents bolted and chained down in the highest corners. No computers in sight either. Most important to me however, were the lack of any form of lesson plans. There was a stack of worksheets so I ended up giving that to the first class. The first half of the class went well since everyone was still waking up, but by the second half it got loud.

Really REALLY loud.

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June 1, 2010

Milestone GET!


I gotta believe!

On Friday, this blog hit a new milestone of hits in one day. I could hear Angels burst out in song as the sun shone brightly on the land, filling me with light. Flowers bloomed for me and me alone, releasing their sweet fragrances. For a moment, there was peace in the world, if only for a moment. My mother even called me and told me she was proud of me. Just kidding, none of that happened.

Except the milestone thing, which was very happy-making. So what was this awesome milestone you ask?

Gee! The weather’s been great huh? No? Milestone? Oh right right. Well in all honesty it’s not that great, but I’m damn proud of it anyway.

And I’m also done through calculations of these stats of my blog and realized how many people actually read my blog. That number: 5! Yes five! So feel special you five wonderful people, you make me feel special.

Haha, actually I have no idea how many of you guys are returning to my blog. Or even if you’re real. You could be pure figments of my stressed and delusional mind. Or robots. And if you’re a robot clearly you must be from the future! Since after all, we can’t currently produce robots that can waste time on the internet reading unknown blogs. That’s just silly and naive.

But no matter! My ego is big enough to take (most) anything thrown at it. Be it robots, unruly students, college bureaucracies, and, of course, epic failure. Sure, I may crawl under the covers for a bit and weep loudly as I listen to Linkin Park-but eventually I brush it off and start again. Probably cause I’m not smart enough to realize when I should quit.

And I’ll be honest again, even though my milestone is rather small, this is exactly how I felt. Music and all.

So thank you dear imaginary friends/robots from the future. I’ll continue to post garbage humorous entries as much as I can. Unless you’re from the future in which case you have access to everything I’ve written ever. So if you’re considering re-animating me to re-create the human race, let me tell you I am wonderful company at cocktail parties.

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