Top 10 Things to do in Royal Oak

I hear people like the list thing on the blog-o-spheres, so why not? Summer’s here and that means it’s safe to walk around outside for extended periods of time. Since I live a stone’s throw from downtown Royal Oak, I like to spend my time there. It’s like living in a city without actually having to live in a city. But anyway, since I don’t have tons of cash, and I hate spending time in bars, it’s a bit harder to enjoy myself in such a place. I have my ways, and I’m going to share them with you now.

10. Go to Funky 7 and Look for a Shirt You’d Actually Buy

But then look at the price tag and say to yourself “$35? I don’t really want it that bad.”

9. Walk into Incognito and Make Fun of the People Shopping There

To be honest the store isn’t so bad and there is a good selection of stuff that’s decently priced, but chances are there’s a couple skanks with tiny dogs in their purses. I did this once and the cashier intentionally sold me a pair of sunglasses for cheaper than they were marked for. True story. This one is interchangeable with countless other stores (like Pink Pump).

8. Go Outside Make Fun of the Trendy Indie Hipsters (or any variation thereof)

Being a legitimately cool place to go, you’ll find people who think they’re cool show up in throngs. I really shouldn’t have to go into this too much, but expect some stupid high schoolers trying to do something like twirling hula-hoops thinking that it counts as being a street performer.

7. Walk into Noir Leather’s Sex Shop and Giggle/Blush

The things they have there will probably make you a bit lightheaded when you realize what they’re for (and they should). Strange machines used for strange kinky purposes. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen the “Great American Challenge”-a 17 inch long, 8 inch wide dildo. Whoa.

6. Heckle Street Performers

Unless their actually good, then just enjoy. This is closely related to number 8.

5. Go Check Out LIFT

Go buy a tiny cool-looking (and fashionable) cell phone strap then walk around the rest of the store and see how the cooler the stuff gets, the drastically more expensive it gets. 7 inch streampunk portrait series? Awesome! $250 a piece? Not Awesome!

4. Play Spot the Junkie!

Downtown Royal Oak seems to attract everybody and it has it’s fair share of people who shouldn’t be allowed in public. It’s a lot like Where’s Waldo, but much much easier. (HINT! Look for the shifty eyes and burnt out appearance.) This one is also related to number 8.

3. Go Enjoy a Fine Cup of Tea at Goldfish Tea

Since you’ve spent a good portion of your time making fun of people, your throat is probably a bit dry. Go over to Goldfish Tea and get yourself a pot of fine tea. The staff is friendly and are very willing to make recommendations for you. The atmosphere is also very relaxing and comfy. This is the only place I enjoy drinking tea that isn’t my own home.

2. Make Fun of Skanks and Bros

The darker it gets outside, the more and more you’ll notice how many skanks show up in groups close to the bars. The bros follow shortly after chasing their skirts. It’s like some strange mating ritual where their throw out their Judeo-Christian upbringing only to cling to it again 20 years from now. This one is also related to number 8.

Making fun of people is mean. 😦

1. Make Fun of Douche-bags Making Fun of People

You know you’re going to deserve it after some of the mean shit you’ve said. Asshole.


4 Comments to “Top 10 Things to do in Royal Oak”

  1. It took you til now to see a “Great American Challenge”? 😛

  2. I’d like to go to that tea place sometime, for sure.

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