FORCED INTEREST 2: Blogging


I’ve been meaning to try something. Apparently, the best way to get a ridiculous number of hits on your blog is to make a post about how to get a ridiculous number of hits. Even easier, apparently you just copy-pasta this guy’s post right here. This was recommended by this guy so you can’t get mad at me for it.

Man, life on the internet is tough these days; you have to outright steal stuff for attention. That or take photos of Miley Cyrus’s vajayjay. (If you want info on that look it up yourself).

Now, I like you guys (especially the robots that keep visiting on days that I don’t post anything). You inflate my tiny sense of self worth and ego so I’m going to try and make this easy on you guys. Sure, you could just not read the post but that’d be boring and lame. What I’m going to do is use a technique I invented in this post that I now call FORCED INTEREST (it must be yelled when spoken). What now follows is not going to actually be my writing. Nothing below this paragragh is written by me. Part of it will be this post while another will be bolded, classic, interesting literature. Can you guess where it’s from? It should be easy. (Hint: It’s the Divine Comedy by Dante).

And now! FORCED INTEREST!

Just so you know, I’m testing a theory here — the theory that writing an article about how to get like a bazillion hits on your blog will result in me getting like a bazillion hits on my blog. And since “bazillion” is “a very large indefinite number” (emphasis mine) I can rightfully lay claim to have already reached it.

If you’re looking for a tutorial with a more specific and successful pedigree, I highly recommend The Other McCain’s How to Get a Million Hits on Your Blog — not only because it’s a damn good article by a guy who got a million hits on his blog in its first year, but because every time I link to him I get a Full Metal Jacket Reach Around (see the article) which itself brings in some small portion of a bazillion hits back to me.

Huge hail, and water sombre-hued, and snow,
Athwart the tenebrous air pour down amain;
Noisome the earth is, that receiveth this.

Cerberus, monster cruel and uncouth,
With his three gullets like a dog is barking
Over the people that are there submerged.

Red eyes he has, and unctuous beard and black,
And belly large, and armed with claws his hands;
He rends the spirits, flays, and quarters them.

Howl the rain maketh them like unto dogs;
One side they make a shelter for the other;
Oft turn themselves the wretched reprobates.

When Cerberus perceived us, the great worm!
His mouths he opened, and displayed his tusks;
Not a limb had he that was motionless.

But anyway … where were we? … tap, tap … is this thing on? Oh, yeah, like a bazillion hits. As of this writing, KN@PPSTER’s had 656,074 Sitemeter-counted visits, which at a conversion factor of 1.2 page views per visit (which seems about par for the course) translates to not quite (there’s that “indefinite” fudge factor) 800,000 “hits.” That’s over the course of about five years, but I think things are starting to pick up. So, here’s how I’m doing it.

– First, blog. If not several times a day, at least several times a week. The more you blog, the more readers you’re going to have. Your regular readers will visit more often to see what’s new, and the search engines will have more stuff to index, which means they’ll send more people your way. More on that last bit below.

– Second, promote. Sign up with Technorati. Join Networked Blogs on Facebook. Google “free search engine submission” and use one of the services you find to make sure the search engines know you’re there. When you blog something you expect will be of interest to your friends on the Obsessed With Plushies listserv or the Got A Model Train in Mom’s Basement Yahoo! Group, send a a note. Plug your posts into the various social networks and bookmark services — and make sure your readers can, too, by pasting the “Add This” gizmo into your blog template.

“Pape Satan, Pape Satan, Aleppe!”
Thus Plutus with his clucking voice began;
And that benignant Sage, who all things knew,

Said, to encourage me: “Let not thy fear
Harm thee; for any power that he may have
Shall not prevent thy going down this crag.”

Then he turned round unto that bloated lip,
And said: “Be silent, thou accursed wolf;
Consume within thyself with thine own rage.

– Third, promote some more by interacting with other bloggers. Plug the ones you think are good, attack the ones you think suck, but link, link, link, and make sure those other bloggers know you’re linking. If they don’t link back, then by God ask them to link back. The worst they can say is “no” (okay, they can say worse things, but those worse things are all variants of “no”).

Now, a note on the search engines. Like I said, the more content you have, the more people are going to see your site. It can be the gift that keeps on giving. Four years to the day after this post, I still get five or ten visits a day, every day, from it because junkies never stop trying to figure out how to get high and they’ve learned how to use Google.

The Emperor of the kingdom dolorous
From his mid-breast forth issued from the ice;
And better with a giant I compare

Than do the giants with those arms of his;
Consider now how great must be that whole,
Which unto such a part conforms itself.

Were he as fair once, as he now is foul,
And lifted up his brow against his Maker,
Well may proceed from him all tribulation.

O, what a marvel it appeared to me,
When I beheld three faces on his head!
The one in front, and that vermilion was;

Two were the others, that were joined with this
Above the middle part of either shoulder,
And they were joined together at the crest;

I’m not going to tell you to game the search engines, but it never hurts to know what key words and phrases people are hot on. If working “free non-alcoholic beer” or “Lichtenstein cameltoe” or “live nude alpacas” into a post is feasible and if you think it will attract readers, knock yourself out (here’s an online keyword suggestion tool for your convenience). Pictures of nekkid women (with a headline like “Pictures of Nekkid Women”) and stuff like that may help, too.

And that, my friends, is how to get like a bazillion hits on your blog. Matter of fact, I see a very large, indefinite number of you heading this way right already.

Of a small rivulet, that there descendeth
Through chasm within the stone, which it has gnawed
With course that winds about and slightly falls.

The Guide and I into that hidden road
Now entered, to return to the bright world;
And without care of having any rest

We mounted up, he first and I the second,
Till I beheld through a round aperture
Some of the beauteous things that Heaven doth bear;

Thence we came forth to rebehold the stars.

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10 Responses to “FORCED INTEREST 2: Blogging”

  1. Let us know if this works.

  2. This was boring. I’m never coming back here again.

  3. I really like this blog. great post keep up the good work. I have bookmarked your site.

  4. fantastic article, greatly informative.

  5. I’ve got to hand it to you

  6. I love what you men are usually up too. This kind of clever work and reporting! Keep up the great functions guys I’ ve added you men to my blogroll, Cheers.

  7. Well, you got a hit from the author of the article you “stole,” anyway (and welcome to it you are)!

    I’m still not at a true bazillion hits yet, but I get a few hits a day to that article.

    Mostly, it seems to be a matter of blogging frequently, which I’m always backsliding on, and promoting heavily, which I do try to do when I’m actually blogging.

    Good luck.

    KN@PPSTER

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